CALS FOR Wednesday

Okay...so yesterday I was supposed to be a fast...but I did bad. When I weighed myself today it was 16.8 gained 1.2 pounds. But I totally know why. Here's what I ate on my fast day (what an ass)

Chai Tea: 1/2 oz Fat-Free milk :about 10 cals

Binged 1/3 of donut (ugh): about 50 cals

Diet Soda: NO cals but sodium holds water weight

Egg Beaters: 60 cals (prob cooked in butter) add 40 cals

1 1/2  Wheat toasts no crust : 60 cals

About 15 Fries: 100 cals

1 Virgin Bloody Mary: 30 cals

1 Packet of Honey: 30

TOTAL CALS :380 ...all my cals were pretty unheathy which I guess caused me to gain.

Haven't commented lately because I have been so depressed, I can barely get out of bed. Seriously, the kind of depression where your heart hurts, and your head hurts, muscles ache. Brain is foggy. can't control cryin. It's not fun. but I will be even more depressed if I start to gain weight, so I decided to post. I am officially at 115.6 pounds, in just 10 days. I decided I am goin to fast untill saturday. Then on Sunday I will start the ABC diet. 

 Posted the diet, just to help me remember. IF anyone wants to start on sunday with my message me

Wednesday:  hmm lets see.

     I woke up at 6 A.M. packed the rest of my apt. and put it in my car (since my mom kicked me outta her place) I officially no longer have an apt. I drove to my moms house and got ready to apply to work at my old job temporarily because I am still waiting for my San Francisco job to come through, but while I wait I have to have some sort of income. 

Excercise: I walked to the interview I would say it's only about half a mile  (76calsburned)

I spent a good 3 hours on the computer and then got ready to walk to my boyfriends which I found out is about 1 and half miles.  (138 cals burned )

Got to my boys house at 3:30.  ( So, if you're about 120 pounds 10 min of foreplay and 30 min of sex burns 128 cals :)

Then we went to the mall and walked around for about a half hour (76cals burned)

Calories:  went to tacone, my favorite place because it has so many low cal options.  
                       
                         *Half a spa wrap=200 cals
                         *Half order of fries=100cals

Excercise: 7:45p.m. my boy went to work and let me stay at his place. His room was so messy, I decided to clean it. But I didn't do any half ass cleaning, I went all out, organized his drawers, dusted even the smallest corners, hung up all his clothes, went through all the unopened mail (we've known eachother since I was 13 and now I'm 25 so don't think I'm creepy by goin through his stuff, it's ok). Well point is it took 5 hours and 5 hours of housework equals 791 cals burned. YAY!!!!!

Only thing is that goin through my boys stuff, I found out he's been lying to me and making me look dumb. I always find cigs in his car. I know all his friends smoke, and he tells me they're his friends. but I'm so allergic I get sick for days if I'm around it. Well I found 3 packs while cleaning so he's a liar and we're gonna have to discuss this because I can't handle smokers.

TOTAL

EXCERCISE:  Calories burned 1201, but I'm sure it was more cause I was hoppin around all day
CALORIES: Calories eaten YAY only 300 Total

Since I don't eat that much I'm really into taking vitamins. it's about 2:00p.m. and I haven't eaten a thing yet. But I did take a viactiv chew about 10 min ago, I think they have 5-10 cals. Well I didn't expect it but after eating this stupid chocolate vitamin I feel incredibly bad. Geez it was at the most 10 cals but my brain is being retarded. I feel like I ate a meal. Stupid Stupid brain. Well I'm about to walk to my boyfriend house and he lives 2 miles away. I don't drive anywhere I can walk to. It's windy but I'll definately burn off that viactiv

 Tuesday:

I walked all around town, so proud of myself. I love working out but after not doing it for a while I got so lazy that even walking was hard.

Didn't eat all day untill about 7p.m. I had about 4oz of chicken with carrots peppers and cashews in a spicy sauce. Also drank a 0 cal iced tea. After looking up the cals in everything I'm guessing I ate about 500 cals. That's all plus water.

Excercise: walked about 3 miles
Cals: about 500

Monday: First day of diet plan

I haven't weighed myself, I'll probably wait for a week since I'm just starting my diet plan. Then after a week I should go to everyday to everyother day.  I spent all day with my boyfriend. I love him cause he hardly eats too. We spent the night in L.A. and woke up at 10:00A.M.

10A.M. woke up drank some water about 4oz

12P.M. we drove home to get ready for the day still haven't eaten a thing

1:30P.M. Grr, my boyfriend took a shower and I snuck a small piece of chocolate, was about 50cals

3:00P.M. We were in Santa Barbara walking up and down state street still no food. We walked and shopped for about  2 1/2 hours.

6:00P.M. went to Tacone for dinner. I ordered a black bean and rice wrap and frech fries. Ate half the wrap (very small) and 3 fries. Half a wrap is 370 calories.. but I had no cheese so I'm guessing it was 300.

8.00P.M. got home sat on the sofa and had a great 3 hour chat with my boy. We just got back together so we can talk alot.

11:00P.M.  drank a diet green tea 0 cals

Monday Total: about 350 cals
Excercise: about 3 hours of walking

comments: normally I wouldn't of eaten out, but it was a sweet day out with my boy
 

I have a party to go to today...it's a family thing so I was thinking I would go late and instead of driving I would take a run it's not a long distance but good enough for a small workout. I think that would help with not eating because whenever I run I become more motivated to not eat.


IN DEPTH
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: depends...lately if I eat at all about 500
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: No...I would if I could figure out how to..that would make bad eating days so much better
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yes
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: no
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: yes, 5 days
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: no
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: yes
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: no
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: no

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yes
What part of your body would you change?: stomach, butt, thighs, back, nose (saving for a nose job)
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 2
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: yes
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: yes

Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: no
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: yes
Fat grams?: yes
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: yes
Do you eat meat?: yes...but I'm on my way to being a vegetarian again, havent eaten meat in 3 months
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc?: no
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: no
Have you ever thrown up blood?: yes
Is your heart bpm above 49?: yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: no

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: for some people
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Girls are always gonna have this problem, so it's great if they at least have people to talk to that aren't going to criticize them
Do you have any other mental disorders? depression
What's your favourite food to eat?: sweets
Favourite drink?: chai latte over ice, soy milk
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: sometimes
Do you want to recover?: No..i'm destined to be overweight, my family, my race if i recover I will be fat

I only ate 259 calories for the whole day. yay. 
Tomorrows goal:
    Run for 30 to 45 min 

Hi...today is my first entry. My name is Harlow. I decided to start this journal as a way to remind me what my goals are. I just moved in with my mom after 10 years. Its the most horrible situation but I had to do it to get myself on track with money and school. I plan to move in a couple of months, I was offered a very good job, now I just have to wait for the time it opens up. I am totally and completely obsessed with my weight and with food. I think about this 95% of the day. It totally consumes me. I am obsessed with other peoples weights and thats why I have chosed to go to school for nutrition. I do not follow my own instructions though because I would just rather starve myself then wait and eat healthy. I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I am totally in love. we have been together for about 7 years. Since I was 18. Now I'm 25. We had a little break. Actually he broke up with me because I am a horrible girlfriend. But, he has pretty much forgiven me. I have a lot of goals right now. I want to get this new job and move. I also want to love my boyfriend with everything I have so that he can trust me and love me like he used to. I also want to gain controll of my body again. I am sick of being this weight. I want to be beautiful to myself again. I need help.

* HW:126 lbs
   LW:110 lbs.
   CW:120 lbs.
   1GW:110 lbs.
   UGW:100 lbs.
ED: anorexia and compulsive over-exerciser
Diagnosed or self-diagnosed: self-diagnosed