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Quick Update-This is why I don't drink

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 01:03:58 GMT

Im am still doing fairly well on the calorie intake everday. For the past month I have not taken in more than 500 cals a day, actually averaging around 350. If you exclude this weekend, being a good friends b-day and partying all weekend. I actually think I took in a good 5000 cals this weekend in booz and bar food. That's why i don't drink, I forget completely about self control. Booz is bad anyway, but especially with someone like me who can get so incredibly out of control. Well, I'm off to the gym and gonna run a 5k. I'm thinkin' about raising my cal intake and just goin to the gym twice a day. It's possible with the work schedule I have.

STILL DEPRESSED

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 21:19:43 GMT

CALS FOR Wednesday

Okay...so yesterday I was supposed to be a fast...but I did bad. When I weighed myself today it was 16.8 gained 1.2 pounds. But I totally know why. Here's what I ate on my fast day (what an ass)

Chai Tea: 1/2 oz Fat-Free milk :about 10 cals

Binged 1/3 of donut (ugh): about 50 cals

Diet Soda: NO cals but sodium holds water weight

Egg Beaters: 60 cals (prob cooked in butter) add 40 cals

1 1/2 Wheat toasts no crust : 60 cals

About 15 Fries: 100 cals

1 Virgin Bloody Mary: 30 cals

1 Packet of Honey: 30

TOTAL CALS :380 ...all my cals were pretty unheathy which I guess caused me to gain.

SOOO DEPRESSED

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:03:21 GMT

Haven't commented lately because I have been so depressed, I can barely get out of bed. Seriously, the kind of depression where your heart hurts, and your head hurts, muscles ache. Brain is foggy. can't control cryin. It's not fun. but I will be even more depressed if I start to gain weight, so I decided to post. I am officially at 115.6 pounds, in just 10 days. I decided I am goin to fast untill saturday. Then on Sunday I will start the ABC diet.

The calories:

Day 01: 500 calories
Day 02: 500 calories
Day 03: 300 calories
Day 04: 400 calories
Day 05: 100 calories
Day 06: 200 calories
Day 07: 300 calories
Day 08: 400 calories
Day 09: 500 calories
Day 10: fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: fast
Day 21: 300 calories
Day 22: 250 calories
Day 23: 200 calories
Day 24: 150 calories
Day 25: 100 calories
Day 26: 50 calories
Day 27: 100 calories
Day 28: 200 calories
Day 29: 200 calories
Day 30: 300 calories
Day 31: 800
Day 32: fast
Day 33: 250 calories
Day 34: 350 calories
Day 35: 450 calories
Day 36: fast
Day 37: 500 calories
Day 38: 450 calories
Day 39: 400 calories
Day 40: 350 calories
Day 41: 300 calories
Day 42: 250 calories
Day 43: 200 calories
Day 44: 200 calories
Day 45: 250 calories
Day 46: 200 calories
Day 47: 300 calories
Day 48: 200 calories
Day 49: 150 calories
Day 50: fast

ABC is a 50 day plan.

Each day should include a one hour exercise burning 400-1000 calories.

Posted the diet, just to help me remember. IF anyone wants to start on sunday with my message me

Yesterday

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 21:10:10 GMT

FRIDAY:

     Blahh on the excercise. There was absolutely none, no walking. Nothing. I'm disapointed.

     FOOD: As for the food, I did okay, but not as good as I was planning

      Grrr... Ran into some pistachio nuts. I love em'. 10 Pistachio nuts = 32 cals (ugh)
                                                                                1 piece of sourdough toasted= 55 cals
                                                                                1 tbsp fat-free cream cheese= 15 cals
                                                                                7 fat-free pringles= 35 cals
                                                                                4 slices tomato & 1/3 cucumber = 10 cals
                                                                                5 tbsp soup= about 35 cals
                                                                                1 pickel= 5 cals
                                                                                vitamin water= 9 cals
                                                                                 1 viactive vitamin chew= 20 cals

Total exercise: none
Total cals: 216, actually alot less than I though

Yesterday

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 22:38:24 GMT

Thursday:

    I walked about 3 miles yesterday and did some lunges. Not sure exactly how many cals I burned.

    I went to the supermarket with my boy and we bought stuff for dinner. Only thing I've been eating all week is dinner.

    Weat bread No-crust: 2 Pieces 60 cals each-crust 40 cals each total:80 cals
    6 small slices cucumber: 3 cals
    3 thin slices tomato: 4 cals
    2tbsp fat-free cream cheese: 30 cals
    7 light fat-free pringles: 35 cals
    7tsp tomato soup: 25 cals
made a sandwhich out of cream cheese, tomatoes, and cucumber total 117cals, you should try.

SNACK: granola bar:100 cals

Total Cals for Day: 277

yesterday

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 22:43:57 GMT

Wednesday: hmm lets see.

     I woke up at 6 A.M. packed the rest of my apt. and put it in my car (since my mom kicked me outta her place) I officially no longer have an apt. I drove to my moms house and got ready to apply to work at my old job temporarily because I am still waiting for my San Francisco job to come through, but while I wait I have to have some sort of income.

Excercise: I walked to the interview I would say it's only about half a mile (76calsburned)

I spent a good 3 hours on the computer and then got ready to walk to my boyfriends which I found out is about 1 and half miles. (138 cals burned )

Got to my boys house at 3:30. ( So, if you're about 120 pounds 10 min of foreplay and 30 min of sex burns 128 cals :)

Then we went to the mall and walked around for about a half hour (76cals burned)

Calories: went to tacone, my favorite place because it has so many low cal options.

                         *Half a spa wrap=200 cals
                         *Half order of fries=100cals

Excercise: 7:45p.m. my boy went to work and let me stay at his place. His room was so messy, I decided to clean it. But I didn't do any half ass cleaning, I went all out, organized his drawers, dusted even the smallest corners, hung up all his clothes, went through all the unopened mail (we've known eachother since I was 13 and now I'm 25 so don't think I'm creepy by goin through his stuff, it's ok). Well point is it took 5 hours and 5 hours of housework equals 791 cals burned. YAY!!!!!

Only thing is that goin through my boys stuff, I found out he's been lying to me and making me look dumb. I always find cigs in his car. I know all his friends smoke, and he tells me they're his friends. but I'm so allergic I get sick for days if I'm around it. Well I found 3 packs while cleaning so he's a liar and we're gonna have to discuss this because I can't handle smokers.

TOTAL

EXCERCISE: Calories burned 1201, but I'm sure it was more cause I was hoppin around all day
CALORIES: Calories eaten YAY only 300 Total

Fat Viactiv

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:02:26 GMT

Since I don't eat that much I'm really into taking vitamins. it's about 2:00p.m. and I haven't eaten a thing yet. But I did take a viactiv chew about 10 min ago, I think they have 5-10 cals. Well I didn't expect it but after eating this stupid chocolate vitamin I feel incredibly bad. Geez it was at the most 10 cals but my brain is being retarded. I feel like I ate a meal. Stupid Stupid brain. Well I'm about to walk to my boyfriend house and he lives 2 miles away. I don't drive anywhere I can walk to. It's windy but I'll definately burn off that viactiv

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 19:59:46 GMT

Tuesday:

I walked all around town, so proud of myself. I love working out but after not doing it for a while I got so lazy that even walking was hard.

Didn't eat all day untill about 7p.m. I had about 4oz of chicken with carrots peppers and cashews in a spicy sauce. Also drank a 0 cal iced tea. After looking up the cals in everything I'm guessing I ate about 500 cals. That's all plus water.

Excercise: walked about 3 miles
Cals: about 500

Yesterday Stats

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 21:05:09 GMT

Monday: First day of diet plan

I haven't weighed myself, I'll probably wait for a week since I'm just starting my diet plan. Then after a week I should go to everyday to everyother day. I spent all day with my boyfriend. I love him cause he hardly eats too. We spent the night in L.A. and woke up at 10:00A.M.

10A.M. woke up drank some water about 4oz

12P.M. we drove home to get ready for the day still haven't eaten a thing

1:30P.M. Grr, my boyfriend took a shower and I snuck a small piece of chocolate, was about 50cals

3:00P.M. We were in Santa Barbara walking up and down state street still no food. We walked and shopped for about 2 1/2 hours.

6:00P.M. went to Tacone for dinner. I ordered a black bean and rice wrap and frech fries. Ate half the wrap (very small) and 3 fries. Half a wrap is 370 calories.. but I had no cheese so I'm guessing it was 300.

8.00P.M. got home sat on the sofa and had a great 3 hour chat with my boy. We just got back together so we can talk alot.

11:00P.M. drank a diet green tea 0 cals

Monday Total: about 350 cals
Excercise: about 3 hours of walking

comments: normally I wouldn't of eaten out, but it was a sweet day out with my boy

the questionnaire-

Age : 25
Height : 5'3.5
Weight : 120
Highest Weight : 126
Lowest Weight : 110
Goal Weight : until i feel satisfied
Favorite Food : all food is bad
Favorite Drink : mostly water, zero or green tea
Favorite Exercise : anything water, but runnin works even though is sucks
Thinspo : Mary kate
Where Do You Slip Up? : other peoples influence, like they invite u 2 a party ( oh yeah and alcohol)
When Did It Start? : when i was12
Why Did It Start? : i noticed i was small but had an ass, I never wanted 2 be j-lo i wanted to be kate moss
Does Anyone Know? : my best friend
Do You Want Help? : no
Diet Pills? : yeah they remind you
Favorite Binge Food : grr sweets and alcohol
Favorite Dieting Food : veggies, cause you feel like you're eating but really had no cals
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? : average when I'm actually eating is 600
What Tips Do You Use To Lose Weight? Stay away from food and bad influences like parents
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? : fat
Are You In A Relationship? : just got back with my boy, we were together for 6 years I screwed it up, but he forgave me and now I'm happier than ever and I learned how it is to lose the one you love and I'll never fuck up again
If So, Do They Pressure You To Be Thin? : No, not at all...but he is tiny only about 130 so I feel pressured to stay way under his weight
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? : my two best friends weight about the same, but we all seem to be losing a few pounds lately so I have to keep up
Are You Depressed? : yes
Do You Self Harm? : no
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? : no
Ever Been To A Psychologist? : nope
Favorite Songs : Big in Japan

In Depth

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:44:41 GMT

I have a party to go to today...it's a family thing so I was thinking I would go late and instead of driving I would take a run it's not a long distance but good enough for a small workout. I think that would help with not eating because whenever I run I become more motivated to not eat.

IN DEPTH
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: depends...lately if I eat at all about 500
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: No...I would if I could figure out how to..that would make bad eating days so much better
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yes
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: no
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: yes, 5 days
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: no
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: yes
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: no
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: no

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yes
What part of your body would you change?: stomach, butt, thighs, back, nose (saving for a nose job)
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 2
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: yes
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: yes

Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: no
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: yes
Fat grams?: yes
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: yes
Do you eat meat?: yes...but I'm on my way to being a vegetarian again, havent eaten meat in 3 months
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc?: no
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: no
Have you ever thrown up blood?: yes
Is your heart bpm above 49?: yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: no

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: for some people
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Girls are always gonna have this problem, so it's great if they at least have people to talk to that aren't going to criticize them
Do you have any other mental disorders? depression
What's your favourite food to eat?: sweets
Favourite drink?: chai latte over ice, soy milk
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: sometimes
Do you want to recover?: No..i'm destined to be overweight, my family, my race if i recover I will be fat

Calories for the Day

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:20:00 GMT

I only ate 259 calories for the whole day. yay.
Tomorrows goal:
Run for 30 to 45 min

My Name is Harlow

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:03:40 GMT

Hi...today is my first entry. My name is Harlow. I decided to start this journal as a way to remind me what my goals are. I just moved in with my mom after 10 years. Its the most horrible situation but I had to do it to get myself on track with money and school. I plan to move in a couple of months, I was offered a very good job, now I just have to wait for the time it opens up. I am totally and completely obsessed with my weight and with food. I think about this 95% of the day. It totally consumes me. I am obsessed with other peoples weights and thats why I have chosed to go to school for nutrition. I do not follow my own instructions though because I would just rather starve myself then wait and eat healthy. I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I am totally in love. we have been together for about 7 years. Since I was 18. Now I'm 25. We had a little break. Actually he broke up with me because I am a horrible girlfriend. But, he has pretty much forgiven me. I have a lot of goals right now. I want to get this new job and move. I also want to love my boyfriend with everything I have so that he can trust me and love me like he used to. I also want to gain controll of my body again. I am sick of being this weight. I want to be beautiful to myself again. I need help.

* HW:126 lbs
   LW:110 lbs.
   CW:120 lbs.
   1GW:110 lbs.
   UGW:100 lbs.
ED: anorexia and compulsive over-exerciser
Diagnosed or self-diagnosed: self-diagnosed